What's Really Behind People Pleasing & How Can Human Design Help?

In our society, we are always “doing things for other people,” but what is really behind that? We say, “I did this for you!” But did we really?

I could probably write a novel about my journey of unwinding decades of people pleasing, but for now I’m writing this article. Constantly trying to be who I thought everyone wanted me to be created a life of exhaustion and confusion that led into various addictions in attempts to escape the discomfort.

I thought if I could just be “nice,” be “good,” be “pretty,” then people would love me and I would belong. I carefully designed my appearance, actions and words to try to fit into this mold I thought was societally acceptable. But was it really for them?

When I look underneath this pattern, everything I was doing to try to please others was actually a mental strategy to try to protect my own wounds. I thought I had to become someone else in order to be lovable.

Here’s an example: I go out of my way to meet up with someone when I don’t have the energy because I tell myself they really need my support right now. Is it really for them? Underneath that is really a conditioned fear that if I don’t make myself available, they will reject me, tell me I’m not enough, and I won’t be a valuable friend. It always comes back to me.

What we do and what we say is a small percentage of what’s truly being communicated. While I tell myself it’s the “nice” or “right” thing to do, what my energy is actually communicating is, “I am putting aside and sacrificing the true needs of my body so that I can serve an outdated protective pattern of the mind.”

In moving through life that way, I’m inviting it to meet me the same and watching it color my relationship dynamics, work and personal life.

Continuing the example, the person I’m going to support has just been broken up with. Why? Their partner said they were tired of this person never taking accountability and always feeling depended on, it was too much pressure. And what do I do? Put myself to the side because I feel like they depend on me and at the same time, I depend on their approval. The next day I feel bitter because I’m exhausted from making energy I didn’t have available, and now I push the friend to the side. What I was afraid they would do, I end up doing after choosing to override my own needs.

Now the flip side, they call me up and share what happened and I empathize, saying how I feel for them and what they’re going through. I also hold my boundary, truthfully sharing that I’m not feeling like I have the energy to talk or come over. This person can feel the truth in that, in how I’m honoring my own needs. They might be slightly triggered or upset at first, but then they might wake up the next day feeling empowered because they supported themselves through a challenging time and saw that they are more self-sufficient than they realized. Then, they start to move through life with a new sense of agency and have more successful, less codependent relationships. It becomes more easeful for both of us to stay connected to our own centers and live our lives.

This is just an example. Who knows how this actually goes, but ultimately it’s not about the outcome. Everything we do, choice we make, and word we say has ripples. Everything is energy. And when we operate from our inner authority and speak our truth, life becomes a lot less confusing and distorted. We ripple out authenticity and alignment and life becomes more authentically aligned.

The mind’s protective mechanisms all have reason. We build them up to cope with our realities in periods when we aren’t resourced to handle what we’re experiencing. But now, do you have more resources?

Are you willing to cultivate your resilience and make choices that support you in living your life instead of trying to cater to everyone else’s?

This is the invitation in experimenting with Human Design; to be able to see the stories the mind is telling us to protect us from wounds we just may be ready to face.

It’s a perspective shift, creating a little bit of space between us and the story and being able to ask, “is this true?”

When we start to question and challenge these thoughts and beliefs, we see we don’t have to be a prisoner to them anymore. We develop a relationship with our inner authority and start to operate from a place of truth, witnessing life start to be colored with success, satisfaction, peace and surprise. You get to live your life.